Donations???
I’ll admit it in writing and out loud, receiving donations/abundance because you write something or say something or do something is quite a fascinating experience for me. It awakens so much shame and guilt within that I have no words to describe the experience other than really fucking intense. It’s something I am still adjusting to and learning how to be with myself when this occurs. it is truly fascinating.
I know what some of you are thinking too… “wait, you’ve been doing bodywork since 2016. you’ve been in the health and wellness field since 2006. haven’t you received abundance (tips and gifts) over all of those years? don’t you still receive them today?” the answer is “yes I have received and still do receive them today". and with a little self-reflection and honesty, i look back and see that i also did my damndest to block all of that abundance that people wanted to share with me. and you know what, it’s exhausting trying to block it :) and i wasn’t even consciously aware that i was doing it until a few year ago thanks to a client. he knows who he is ;) i hid behind virtue and superiority. i told myself i was better than all of those people because i didn’t need the Love they were offering. i’m sure there were other stories as I was telling as well. the truth is… i was blocking Love because i didn’t feel equal and worthy to receiving it. i was working really hard to keep my heart closed and locked down.
I came from the background/belief system of you have to “earn” everything. anyone over 40 most likely came from something similar. so, the system says and teaches that if someone wants to give you something just because they feel called to do so in a moment, well then don’t fucking trust them. isn’t that an insane belief system to carry around? and an insane way to live life? haha i mean seriously, who wants to keep giving Love/Abundance to someone who keeps blocking it?!?!?! i sure as hell would stop giving in that scenario. i actually have. so why wouldn’t they stop too?
so, this particular post is selfish in a way. it’s to face some of my demons around Love (receiving money/donations/abundance is the lesson of the day). i have added two different donation buttons to this post. it wasn’t easy. one can donate through the website or through Venmo button. i am even considering adding a donation page. NOW that one is really triggering. it feels super greedy! it’s fucking uncomfortable (wanting to vomit). it feels fucking weak and needy. it feels like “begging”. there’s a part within me that hates experiencing all of those feelings 😎 it does not want me to send this message out today for fear of being shamed by even one of you reading this 💔. i am showing that part of me, the part that feels broken, unwanted, NOT equal, and NOT worthy to receiving abundance, that it’s okay to feel all of those uncomfortable feelings and still take action with an open heart. 🤍
honestly, can you think of a better “Teacher/Sensei” than doing something like this to learn how to accept Love/Abundance from others?
thank you all for being a part of an ongoing process of knowing, accepting and loving myself 🙏🥰. it is an honor and has been an honor (for those that moved forward in a different direction) to work with each and everyone of you 🌞
much luv and gratitude for us all. jeff
P.S. Yes, I type in lower case on purpose 😉